Toddler Tantrums and How I Cope
One of the best pieces of parenting advice I received was about dealing with tantrums. My friend told me to remember that “your kids are going through something, they are not doing it to you.” Help them feel those big feelings. Be their calm in the storm of emotions. To stop and put myself in their shoes. They have control over very little in their lives and sometimes things we think are insignificant are very important to them. It’s all about perspective.
It completely changed the way I look at my kids being upset and melting down. I am not the victim here. My kids are not just trying to manipulate me or put ME through a difficult time. Getting angry and frustrated is a part of life. Kids are learning how to navigate these feelings and regularly they boil over, especially if tired or hungry. They need support and calm. I should be here to help them work through it with better skills. If i get upset and yell or spank, it’s like fuel to the fire. Then we are both living in anger and frustration.
I think one of the most important aspects was for me to recognize sleep and hunger cues as a way to minimize those cranky windows. When we were finished breastfeeding, I regularly forgot to pack snacks. I wasn’t nearly as hungry so I didn’t pay as close attention to if our snack supply was low. I also had to be more thoughtful about nap/tired times. Naps were becoming less and less frequent, but the afternoon rest period was still very important. Being aware of both of these things drastically cut down on the number of tantrums in general, but let’s face it, they still happen sometimes.
So what did I do when one of the kids had a meltdown? I started changing my perspective to compassion and viewing myself as the teacher. The change in viewpoint has given me a new level of patience. I want to meet them where they are emotionally and accept them. I think that is a key aspect in unconditional love. I offer hugs if they want them. Tell them I’m sorry they are upset. Try to help them breath and calm down. Sometimes it’s even walking away, but letting them know I’ll be in the kitchen if they need me when they calm down. Being compassionate does not mean you give in. There are still boundaries in place. You can let your child work his way through those emotions without spoiling them. As adults we get angry and frustrated, but we have (hopefully) learned that we can’t throw ourselves down and scream when it happens. Our kids will learn they can’t either, and hopefully learn to work through them rather than just stifle them for fear of punishment or judgement. I hope to lead by example.
“When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it’s our job to share our calm, not join their chaos.”
-L.R. Knost
I read an interesting article about the Inuit people of Alaska. They never yell. To yell is to bring yourself down to the level of a child. After a certain age even the children don’t lash out in anger. It’s mostly the youngest children who react with explosive emotions. The adults calmly talk to the children about their behavior. I found this to be fascinating and have attempted to put it into practice. I tend to be a yeller even though I don’t like to be. I’ve started to catch myself. I may yell to get their attention, but then i try to calm it down and talk to them in a normal voice. I truly think they receive the message better and listen to what i’m saying….usually.
It’s not easy to unlearn what we have been taught or how we were raised even when we want to do it different. It takes alot of mental energy. We have such fast-paced lifestyle and limited time that our energy and patience seems to always be lacking. It’s difficult to stop and let your child take this moment (or moments, lets be real) for a meltdown. Why can’t they just put their shoes on? (<- huge trigger for me!) Can’t they just be happy you are home from work? Can’t they just eat what you cooked for once and not cry about it? Why can’t they just be appreciative? When in reality, why am I expecting my child to be happy or content with being told No? I’m not content when I’m told “No” and I am told “no'“ far less often than my children. They are young kids. Empathy comes at about age 2. Impulse control doesn’t begin until between 3-4…. BEGIN, not be fully developed. Some days I still feel like I’m working to control my impulses and I’m 33.
Children are individuals with real feelings. Stopping to breath and remember their tantrum is about THEIR emotions, not about making my life hard has been a huge perspective swing. It’s not always easy to not tell them to stop (definitely fail on that regularly) or to not punish them for being disruptive, but it has been a huge shift in our relationship. I am loving them through the rough and ugly times. It has allowed our relationship to blossom in a time when people often struggle to enjoy their children.