Know Your Priorities. Gain Confidence.

It may be surprising to find that I’m a pretty private person. Usually that’s because I’m concerned with judgment and offering myself up for criticism. I get anxiety about being vulnerable. It’s something I’ve struggled with since childhood. Having kids forced me face that full on for a multitude of reasons. I’ve been thinking a lot about my short conversations with strangers and acquaintances. It was surprising to me when I had my oldest that strangers will ask personal questions about my children and birth like talking about the weather. You know what I realized? It’s because we’re part of this tribe. This society of motherhood, or parenthood really. Somehow, we’re all bonded together through this life changing experience.

These conversations, as well as internet research, had me overwhelmed. I wanted to do things the “right” way. The stress of chasing perfection, especially in something as individualized a motherhood, is an incredible burden. Regularly, I felt judged when talking to people, both older and peers, who did things much differently than myself or I felt badly for possibly making them feel that way. (*Cue overactive brain to start the never-ending replay of how I should have been different while adding even more stress and anxiety to my life*) I started to dread these conversations, but let’s be real, you can’t escape them. From the grocery store to family get togethers, people are curious about your choices. We’re all in this parenthood club together, right? Right. WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER. We are connected. We may make different choices based on ourselves, our situation, our children, and our knowledge level, but we are all in the very important business of raising children into what we hope are happy, well-adjusted adults.

I self-reflected. How can I ease this burden of vulnerability? What are my priorities as a mama? What do I truly want my children to understand about life? My relationship to them? What am I teaching them through my actions? Are my actions lining up with my voice and vice versa? How can I feel more confident in discussing my parenting decisions? Is it even necessary to discuss? How can I feel more comfortable listening to others? How can I handle these interactions with more grace and thoughtfulness? Are the words I’m speaking helpful and kind?

I found that some of my choices weren’t lining up with my priorities. BAM. Reality Check. Time to make a change. (I’ll write more about that another day.) I found that knowing what my priorities are made a huge difference. I mother better. Instead of stressing over all the tiny decisions, I focus on what I decided were the important ones. I handle these conversations better. I trust myself more. I don’t mind opening up as much. It doesn’t feel as invasive (most of the time). It’s easier for me to determine if I should comment or just listen. There are few core values I feel comfortable educating on, but that’s it. I stopped information vomiting on people, unless they seemed like they were asking for advice.

Another lightbulb moment was when I realized that most people are looking for validation, myself included. That’s why I felt the need to not just say what we chose, but also the reason behind it. I discovered that’s because we want to know if we are doing, or did, a good job and haven’t messed up the kids. Listen Mama, if you care enough to worry then you are doing a phenomenal job. You are amazing. You were made to mother your children. Listen, learn, and be open to your child’s voice, to new ways of thinking, but be confident in your instincts. I don’t care if the newest baby book or your mom or best friend says you have to do “xyz”, if it feels wrong don’t do it.

Stop to reflect regularly. If you feel guilty or bad about something, figure out why. Determine if you’d rather you made a different choice or is it because you’re worried about what other people would think. Then decide to do differently next time or let it go. It’s easy to get off course and slip into bad habits. You can always redirect if your actions aren’t lining up with your heart. I want to leave you with another quote that has really helped me. I hope that you had a beautiful Mother’s Day and that your family spoiled you in whatever way you needed.

“When she mothered her own way, she mothered her best way.” – January Harshe.